Growing Pains

I barely even know where to begin as far as these past two weeks go. Everything just seems like it could be summed up in some sort of sigh -- whether it be one of frustration, sorrow, relief, anger, boredom, what have you. Apparently the fact that the semester is so close to ending has been getting to me. Everything seems to be piling up and I'm ignoring as much as I possibly can without falling too behind, including emotional and relational problems... which, obviously, is not a very smart thing to do. In short, I feel like I have a lot of apologizing to do to a handful of people. So often I hold back from saying things that I really want to say for fear of regretting it later. But bottling up everything inside never works, and it has to come out eventually. Then, I really do regret it. Even when I do try to hold back and answer in a neutral fashion, it still manages to come out with some attitude. That doesn't help anything, does it?

I don't want to make excuses, though. I'm a sinner; a fallen, selfish, immature human being that makes mistakes. Blaming it on secretive or emotional tendencies doesn't take the fault away from me. What this all boils down to is that I've screwed up and there is no one left standing for me to point a finger at except myself. Even in the midst of pressing circumstances, things building up around me, the pressure setting in, I still chose to act the way I did. I still chose to say the words that came out of my mouth. And I still let myself blow up at other people (whether they saw it or not) for situations that really weren't worth that kind of behavior.

God is stretching me and growing me. I know He is; partially because I asked Him to, hah. The only thing about God is that He rarely answers prayers in the way we want Him to. Despite having figured this out a long time ago, it still seems to take me by surprise or disappoint me or frustrate me or something like that when I do see the response to my prayers for growth. The only problem is that I feel like I fail all of the tests that He throws at me.

While I was writing an email to my cousin today, just venting about all of the wonderful things going on in my life at the moment (I feel bad that she has to read those, sometimes), I expressed the sentiment that I felt like God was breaking me. Isn't He supposed to bring us nearly to the point of breaking, so that we can grow stronger, not be defeated? It seemed logical enough to me. If He defeats us and breaks us completely, that's more like taking steps backwards than it is moving forward. Right?

Not so much. I guess I was under the impression that God never gives us more than we can handle, although now that I think about it, it makes more sense for Him to give us more than we can handle so that we'll run to Him for help. Isn't that what He wants, after all? For us to turn to Him with every problem, every anxiety, every piece of life that is trying to drag us down? Matthew 6 is a good place to find some verses about worrying and anxiety, as is Philippians 4:6-7. Oh, and while I'm at it --1 Peter 5:7 is good too.

I was at this point of being broken last night while I showered. Tears flowed down my face out of frustration, and I wanted nothing more but to wail to let out the lump that was rising in my throat. Of course... that kind of action isn't condoned in public, and I definitely didn't want anybody else hearing me. I cried out to God, asking Him why He was letting me go through such trying times, and why it was even bothering me as much as it was. It really wasn't anything big at all -- just all the little things adding up, pushing me over the edge. Homework, classes, family, friends, money... it was like all of them were pulling at me, scratching at me, annoying me until I just wanted to scream "STOP" at the top of my lungs. As I was crying, and throwing all of my anger at God because that's what He asks us to do, I was really starting to dislike how selfish I am and how bad my temper is. Just the way I was reacting to all of these things... a part of my mind stepped back from the situation and looked at it from a 3rd person point-of-view and said, "Really, Ruth? Really?"

At this point, all I felt was anger and shame for how imperfect I was. I threw myself at God's feet and said, "God, I know You're trying to grow me. I know You're trying to make me a more Christ-like person, but I. Can't. Do this. I'm sorry, but I'll never be the type of person You want me to be. I'll never deserve Your love or anything else that You do for me." At that moment a wave of sorrow swept over me. It was like I was standing before a lover, someone who was constantly faithful to me and loved me perfectly, while I constantly cheated on Him and took advantage of Him and He still loved me and came back to me. And I was begging for His forgiveness not because I felt like I did anything to deserve it, but because He is just so GOOD that I had to.

I warned Him that I would never change, that I would always be the dirty, lying, cheating, selfish whore that I am. I felt so empty. So incomplete. And I begged Him to come and make me complete, to fulfill me, to give me joy and peace, because I would never have it without Him. He is the only one that fits the huge void I have in my soul. Even in the midst of the pain, however, I felt there was a good end to all of this. I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak, because "...He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Phil.1:6) I knew He was putting me through the fire so that I'd come out refined. In that, there is a reason to be grateful.