INRI

There is only one question that I want to propose in this blog, but it's been so incredibly long since I last blogged, that I feel I should say more than just a sentence or two reflecting what I got out of my time spent in the Word today.

I'll start off with a confession: this is the first time I've truly studied God's Word in maybe 2 weeks or so. I've read His Word within that time, but haven't really sat down and studied it. Valley experiences (or traffic jams, as I like to call them due to a recent revelation) aren't fun. God's there, but you don't feel Him. You find no comfort in talking to other people about your trials, not even your closest brothers and sisters in Christ. Your prayers feel like they're falling on deaf ears. Your time in the Word is dry and not as exciting as it normally is. It's hard to praise God, even though you know that's what you should be doing. You wake up in the morning feeling like there's nothing here for you, or that nothing really matters. Instead of actively seeking Him during this dry spell, you fall into a pattern of passively waiting for Him to come back into your life, hoping that He'll show up one day at church or Prime Time or when you're sitting in your room, stalking people on Facebook instead of writing that essay that's due tomorrow.

And then, when He doesn't show up when you want Him to, you get mad at Him and break up with Him. You cry and feel betrayed, because He said He'd always be there, and He wasn't. He said He had your best interests at heart, but instead of seeing Him beside you when you look around, you notice that He's abandoned you. He said He'd never break a promise, but you're having trouble believing that because you're not feeling His presence and haven't for the past 3 weeks.

Hurt. Upset. Betrayed. Sad. These are all things that I've been feeling ever since God "left" me. It almost reminds me of a bad break up the way I was talking to God about it. "You said You'd always be there. Well, where are You? I thought trials were supposed to grow me. How come You're letting me fall like this? I thought that period of my life was over. You're supposed to fix these things; You're supposed to be sanctifying me of all these ridiculous sins. Why aren't they going away? Both You and I know I can't do anything without You, so why the heck did you leave me!? Do you WANT me to fail?"

So we fought. I was immature and told Him, fine, if You're going to be that way and just let me fail, then go ahead and leave. I can fail on my own without Your help, thank You very much.

Two seconds later I was begging Him to come back. Three words kept coming out, over and over and over again without stopping.

I need You. I need You. I need You I need You I need You I need You I need You I need You. I need You I need You I need You I need You I need You.

I need You.

Needless to say, it wasn't Him that left me. Somewhere in the traffic jam, I lost Him. Do I still feel like a failure? Yeah, honestly, I do. And that's what I am without Him. I fail at everything except offending Him. Do I feel like that traffic jam, or valley experience, was a failure? Yeah, I kinda feel that way, not gonna lie. Trials are supposed to teach you a lesson, make you more like Christ, sanctify you, draw you closer to God, that kind of thing. I can't say that I feel more Christ-like, though, or stronger than I was before I hit that low. But, you know... I guess God knows where I'm at, and He had a reason for all the craziness that's been going on the past few weeks.

Besides realizing how desperately I need Him, though, there was something else that hit me when I ran back into His arms (which is the most comforting place ever, by the way): He's got my heart. He really does. It wouldn't hurt so much when I run away if He didn't. He's marked me with His Spirit -- He has claimed me as His own. I don't have an engagement ring or wedding band, but I've got His cross on my foot and His song in my heart and THAT is for life. There is no divorcing that relationship. He has a hold over my heart that is stronger than any other person or thing or idea or hope or song or calling ever has and ever will.

Life without Him is so pointless, so meaningless -- it's not worth living. It's not really living at all. But, man! He's teaching me about Love, and it's awesome. It's painful (seriously, love HURTS, see Ephesians 5:1-2), but it's worth it. It's always worth it. And God is always worth it. Spending time with Him is never a mistake. You will never regret getting closer to Him and falling more and more in love with Him.

It's an adventure. Really, it is. But it's also painful, because true love is painful. True love requires sacrifice. Just look at the cross.

Wow, the question I was going to ask earlier seems kind of pointless and out of place now. But as I was reading over John 19:17-27, John's recounting of the crucifixion, it mentioned the sign that Pilate put on Jesus' cross. NIV says that the sign reads, "Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews." In the note for that particular verse, my Bible says, "A placard stating the crime for which someone was executed was often fastened to his cross."

A few things about this: 1) The only sin they could come up with that Jesus committed was being the King of the Jews. Being royalty. Essentially, being who He is. (Imagine someone being sent to jail simply because he is who he is. "Well, you're Bob, so... we've gotta lock you up." It makes no sense.) He was perfect; nothing He DID could have earned Him that spot on the cross. But then, nothing about who He IS, either, could have earned Him the cross. Because not only was He perfect in deed and thought, but He was perfect in nature, too.

Although, being crucified for being royalty (also a figure of authority) makes sense when you put it in the context of sinners. We, as sinners, don't like being told what to do (guilty, a million times over), and Jesus CAN tell us what to do and what we should be. We don't like that. So we try to crucify Him. Get rid of Him so we can do what we want. Little did we know that our very attempts to get rid of Him God would use to make it possible for us to be with Him forever.

Okay, okay, I'm getting to the question, I promise. Thing number 2) We deserve to be on that cross. By all means, we should have been punished for our own sins. It was only by the love and grace of God that we weren't.

But if you were the one on the cross, what would your sign say? Certainly not "The King of the Jews." We're all sinful. We all have a whole list that should have us condemned... but we're not, praise God! It's a good way to check yourself, though, and make sure you're not letting Satan sneak in while you're not looking. If you were on the cross, what would your sign say? What crime would you have been punished for? What sins are present in your life that you're holding onto and letting them shape who you are, instead of handing yourself over fully to God and letting HIM shape who you are?

I'm going to go journal about that now. I apologize for the length of this post.