Final Thoughts

It was really strange. Last night, I woke up at around 4:30 AM, and was scared out of my mind. I don't know why. Every little creak of the door in my room made me jump, though it was probably just the wind blowing through my open window. Anyway, in a half-asleep state, I just started praying. I prayed for everything and everyone that came to mind. What's even stranger is that for being so out of it, the words came eloquently. The prayers were passionate, I didn't have to search for words that I didn't feel like saying -- they were practically spilling over one another in my mind, they came so quickly. Honestly, the only person I specifically remember praying for was my brother. The only thingthat I remember praying for was protection over my house after I leave for Myrtle Beach. I wonder what it is that God does with those prayers... those prayers where He wakes me up in the middle of the night, tells me to pray passionately, and then I fall back asleep without even remembering half of what I prayed for. It is kind of comforting, though... to know that even in that primitive, instinctual state of being where rational thought is all but gone from my mind, my first reaction is to pray.

...You know... now that I think about it... I did feel scared at first. But after I began praying, I felt peace. That's probably why I was able to fall back asleep. I thought of my guardian angel, Jake. I've always pictured him as one of those blond, white-robed angels that looks thin and a bit fragile... the majestic but frail kind that you always see in paintings and whatnot. But last night, I think I felt his presence... and he is anything but frail and thin. He is huge. He is powerful. And he is terrifying.

Maybe I shouldn't call him Jake. Jacob is probably more fitting, heh.

It's hard to believe that tomorrow, around noon, I will be hopping in a car and making my way down to Myrtle Beach for 8 weeks. I kind of know what to expect, since I've already been through this once -- but at the same time, I know it's going to be a completely life-changing experience nonetheless. I'm so anxious to get closer to God and to watch Him work in my life and others' lives as well. But it is kind of sad having to say goodbye all over again to the people I will be leaving behind in Maryland. Didn't I just do this 3 weeks ago to my friends at college? Why do I have to do it again so soon?! Maybe saying goodbye never becomes easy, no matter how many times you do it.

Jesus, my heart is aching right now for reasons that I don't entirely know -- but one thing I do know for sure is that I just want You to come and fill the parts of me that are empty. I need You so, so much.