Teach me how to Love

I know college seems like our whole life right now, as does living with our parents and schooling and whatnot, but as the student speaker at my brother's graduation put it in his speech to his fellow classmates, "Richmond will seem but an interesting pit stop on our journey through life" (he was from London, hehe, so you can re-read that in a British accent). It is true, I suppose, that looking back, college will hopefully be full of fond memories and friends that you still keep in touch with, but overall, it's only 4 (or 5) years of what might be a 70-year journey (or perhaps even just 30?). College has, so far, been probably one of the most shaping experiences ever. I've changed a lot during these past two years, mostly just this past one year at Wingate -- probably more than I changed throughout all of high school. I just wonder what will be going through my mind 2 years from now when I sit at my own graduation ceremony?


At first the thought of graduating scared me. I don't know what I want to do with my life after I get out of college; why would I want to leave that safe haven with no direction? But while I was at Jordan's graduation, it seemed exciting. Like I couldn't wait to be the one in the robes and hat. I think, if this makes any sense, that was because I didn't see graduation as very... important? I mean, it is very important for anyone hoping to get a good job these days, and it certainly means you put forth a great deal of hard work and dedication, perhaps even a few sleepless nights, but... when you die, it won't matter if you graduated from college or not. When you're having a good time with your friends and just enjoying life, it doesn't matter if you graduated or not. When you stand before your Maker in the next life, it won't matter if you graduated from college or not. And so, I became excited watching his graduation, not because I wanted to feel accomplished or move onto the next stage, but because I want to experience life. I want to live life to the fullest before it's over, and graduating from college seems like an exciting experience.

I regret the way I spent a lot of my high school days. Not because I did stupid things like drugs and alcohol, but because I was so bottled up all of the time, so reserved, so unwilling to take chances. I think one thing God spoke to me this weekend was, "Be uncomfortable." I need to be willing to put myself in situations that might not feel good at the time, but that will have an impact not only on myself but the people around me. Sharing the Gospel, for instance. Speaking up in a crowd when I have something to say. Volunteering in class when I know the right answer. Telling somebody I love them. Dancing, even if people are watching. Saying that thing that's on my mind, even if I feel like people will judge me for it. Being comfortable in my own skin. Showing the world who God made me.

Another thing I felt this weekend: I really don't want to graduate from college and enter the workforce like so many people typically do. That desire came back again, and it came back strongly: to go abroad and teach in an underprivileged country. To volunteer in the Peace Corps. To do SOMETHING other than the norm. When I think about teaching in the United States, I inwardly groan (and I know that's not the type of reaction I should have to what I'm majoring in -- you're supposed to be passionate about it). Do I really want to spend the rest of my life in that setting? But when I think about being in another country, teaching children that really need it, being a light in their lives and undoubtedly learning a lot from them as well, I think that... there is no end in sight. And that's what I like about it. With a job in the U.S., I could see myself growing old with that same career, living a mundane life and never really changing much at all. But with a job in another country, I don't know where it will lead or what my end will be. And I like that. I like that it might be something other than growing old. I like that it might be something other than getting married, living in the suburbs, and raising a family.

Deep down, I also know that this desire for a husband isn't necessarily a desire for romantic love. It goes much deeper than that -- it's a desire to love unbridled, to love deeply, to love fearlessly, to love without limits. And to me, the most realistic thing I can think of that fits those descriptions is to love a husband. But that desire can be filled in more ways than just that. To love with all that I am, to pour myself into something or someone or some cause does not require a husband. I want to give away the kind of love that moves mountains. The kind of love that changes lives. The kind of love that beckoned Jesus to the cross.

But you know... I don't have to wait until I graduate to start fulfilling these desires to love without limits. I can start right now, in my own home. The best way I can think of to love is to serve. Which I will have a great opportunity to do at Beach Project this summer. Ah, I can't wait to go back... to be in that environment again.

I want to learn how to love without expecting anything in return. I want to learn to give myself to others, but be filled from that experience rather than emptied from it. I want to empty myself to others, but be filled by God. If that experience could go for my entire life, then I'd always be giving, and never be empty.

And this is more than just wanting to rebel against "the man" or go left because everybody else is telling me to go right. This is the desire to fulfill a basic function of man, to follow a commandment placed before us in the Bible -- "And live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave Himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God" (Ephesians 5:2). I've known for a long time now that this is the 'life objective' given to me by God, something I can refer back to while making every decision I'll ever need to, but I will admit I've been neglecting it. Not that I've been openly going against this commandment, but I haven't been living up to it as fully as I could. I need to actively pursue it, not just sit back and wait for opportunities to come my way.

The majority of this post was taken from an email that I wrote to my cousin today.