The following is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote to my cousin on May the first of last year. This was during a time that I was seeking God desperately, longing for the relationship that I had with Him when I was younger, but seemed to have lost. I was looking for Him in all the wrong places. Reading over old stuff like this makes me think...
And for clarification, no, I was not high while writing this. I've never taken drugs in my life (except for medical purposes). But it can sound a little weird if you aren't aware of the emotional roller-coaster I was on. Keeping all of these things in mind, I urge you to read on.
This moment, the present, seems infinite.
The songs keep on changing, but they convey the same feeling. It’s only during this state of mind that all the music has the same message. I can’t help but get the feeling that I’m so tiny, and yet so much more than the sum of my achievements. My value isn’t measured by simply adding up what I look like, what my strongest traits are, what my accomplishments are, subtracting my mistakes, and then coming up with a number. It’s like Gestalt from psychology that says an experience is more than the sum of its parts. Music is more than just sound waves, notes, and words thrown together.
And sometimes, when I feel so whole like this, like none of me is truly missing – something happens and it all shatters, like a brick through the window. It’s usually something that embarrasses me, because embarrassment is such a real, human emotion that I can’t help but be reminded of how imperfect I am. For instance, sometimes when I go for a walk around Elon, I get all inspired by nature and the music coming from my iPod, but then as I cross the street to start heading back, I trip. Over nothing, at that, but my own two feet. And then I feel so small, because out in public, I know someone had to be watching. Hah. It’s kind of funny, but only when I’m in this state of mind.
Or like just a few minutes ago, I was feeling like this, and someone slammed a door really loudly, and it made me jump. Yeah. I managed to get back into this state of mind, though, regardless of having been jolted out of it.
Right now, I feel like there’s so much more to life than just this. Part of me wants to know the secrets to everything, but another part of me just feels content pondering at what those secrets might be… marveling at their awesomeness and their inability to be known.
It’s times like these when God fashions a pair of glasses that matches what His eyes see, and puts them on my face. Everything is so beautiful. It’s like seeing the world in big picture form, and not through my own selfish, narrow vision. Of course, I could never see exactly what God sees. But maybe this is as close as it gets for humans. It’s times like these when I don’t want to think about romantic love or starting a family or spending the rest of my life with a man – or anyone else but God. Because I could spend forever just marveling at His wonder, marveling at all the things He knows that I don’t. Marveling at His awesomeness.
I know that I’m not as close to God as I should be at this point in my life, nor as close as I want to be or maybe even pretend to be. I almost feel like I have to get to know Him all over again. I used to be so close to Him when I was younger, so sure of His existence and love and presence in my life. I am not exactly sure what happened, to be honest. But right now, that doesn’t matter. Right now, I’m just excited about it. Somewhere out there, is an all-knowing, ever-present, all-powerful being who IS love. He is the embodiment of all that is good and righteous and pure – and He wants to know me. Somewhere out there is a God that breathes out stars, that created the universe from but a thought, who is bigger than my finite mind could ever, EVER imagine! Somewhere out there is a being that holds the answers to every single question I have about life. Somewhere out there is the One that created something from nothing, that made this universe so precisely, so exact, so just – gah! Somewhere out there is a God that is waiting for me, and I’m going to find Him.
I mean… I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know where to start looking for Him. Maybe He isn’t actively looking for me. Maybe He doesn’t care what I do with my life so long as I don’t break His holy laws. But I still want to meet Him. I still want to meet this being that is so awesome and powerful that, with a mere breath, He created giant balls of fire that are finite but still way too big for me to even begin imagining. And suddenly silly things like caring what other people think of me don’t matter at all, not anymore – not when everything is so much bigger than me and my problems – not when there is an infinite God out there somewhere who is waiting for me to find Him.
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